Week 6: Boundaries

Opening verse:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV - So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the thing is s that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

1 minute pause

Open in prayer

Discussion

Christian psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud says, “Boundaries are the realization of our own person apart from others. This sense of separateness forms the basis of personal identity.” The Bible tells us “For each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 6:5 ESV. Having boundaries acts as one step of the overall process for improving our mental and spiritual wellness, while a lack of boundaries can have serious consequences.

Biblical examples of setting boundaries

The Bible shares a few examples of people who set boundaries in their lives. These examples include:

Abraham, when he had to part ways with his nephew Lot due to conflict between their shepherds

Jacob, when he had to take his family and leave his uncle Laben due to him taking advantage of Jacob’s labor

David, when after trying to reconcile with Saul multiple times, he ended up leaving the country to create distance between him and Saul

Jesus, who would often go to quiet places alone or set sail on a boat in order to have personal time away from other people

Consequences of not setting boundaries

According to Dr Henry Cloud, a lack of boundaries can have several negative effects on our mental and spiritual wellbeing, including depression, resentment, codependency, victim mentality, isolation, procrastination, impulsivity and even obsessive-compulsive behavior. Interestingly, most often we don’t set boundaries because we’re afraid of the consequences of doi ng so. But ultimately, not setting them has a more serious impact.

Thoughts to address for setting boundaries

The biggest obstacle that keeps us from setting healthy boundaries in our lives are the negative thought patterns we struggle with. These thoughts often orbit around our view or ourselves, our view of others, and our view of God. As we identify these thoughts, we can address them and “take every thought captive” as the Bible instructs us (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Take a look at the list of negative thoughts that keep us from setting healthy boundaries. Give each one a score on how strongly this thought plays a part in your life. Check the thoughts that have the highest score.

1. I am bad for having boundaries

2. Others will hate me for saying no

3. God doesn’t want me to take ownership of my life

4. I am selfish for taking ownership of my own life

5. People will leave me for having my own boundaries

6. God doesn’t want me to have anything of my own

7. My wants are not important

8. People are controlling and want to manipulate me

9. God wants me to have everything I want

10. My wants are the only ones that are important

11. Others will resent my assertiveness and requests

12. God thinks I’m selfish when I say no to others

13. I must have everything I want

14. I must have everything I want

15. Others will leave me if I don’t keep them happy

16. God wants me to allow others to do whatever they want to me or to others

17. I am responsible for others

18. Others are responsible for me

19. God doesn’t want me to pursue what I want

20. I must do whatever anyone wants of me

21. People are selfish if they do not do what I want

22. Since God is completely in control, I have no responsibility

23. Whatever goes wrong is my fault

24. People are unloving if they say no to me

25. God is a “hands-off” God, and is not involved in my life

26. Nothing is my fault

27. People expect me to be compliant to their wishes

28. If God says no to me, He doesn’t love me

29. Others are responsible for my behaviors

30. God is forgiving and will prevent any consequences for my sins

Identifying your unhelpful beliefs

What is the most challenging part about setting healthy boundaries in your life?

When you observe the top negative thought you checked, what do you notice the most about that thought? Where do you think it comes from?

Read: “For each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 6:5 ESV

What do you think God is making known to you when it comes to boundaries?

What next step could you take to setting a healthy boundary in your life?